Sitting and Thinking

I'm sitting still just this moment. Husband is at work, the baby is taking his nap, and I'm just sitting still. I had been sewing, working on a long chiffon gown that I can wear to Sam & Anna's wedding, but I got to a stopping place and I'm a bit reluctant to start quite yet. It may possibly be because I am steeling myself for an intensely difficult modification on the bodice to make it more wearable (and modest!) :P Maybe I'll take a break and sew a new bib for the Monkey. Sorta like taking a break to fingerpaint in a delightfully sloppy fashion after working on a painfully slow and meticulous oil painting. ;) I'm about full to bursting about ideas for other sewing projects I'd like to try next! But first, a pretty, modest, well-fitted chiffon dress.

Unrelated topic: I've been rather thought-filled of late. It seems like lots of things need thinking through, and God seems to have given me just enough rest to tackle them instead of pushing things aside as I do when I'm tired. One of the most recent (and not really pleasant) things, has been a sudden, awful reminder of a part of my past that I really wish had never been brought before me again. In fact, I had pushed it so far away, I completely blanked when first confronted with it. But then I began to remember. God has kept me pure in so many ways that I cannot cease in thanking and praising Him for His many timely rescues. But there was a season that I tried very hard to disregard all wisdom and authority and to ignore and reject the real love that was shown to me. One small part naivete and a very large part rebellion... it was a season of my life that I do not like to recall.

I wonder sometimes why God allows these reminders (this recent one was not the first.) I remember not only the sin in my heart, but also the horrid, lonely, dark feeling and the despair that seemed to weigh on me, in me, all around me. God was still there, but I did my best to run away and found only emptiness and terror. That season of my life I did and said many, many things I wish undone or unsaid. Now, on the forgiven side of that season, I am still acutely aware of bitter grief and deep regrets. This is where I have had to do much thinking. When I feel the claws of that part of my past reaching up to tear and bind me, I have to remind myself each time that Jesus Christ had paid for that too. My Lord is not darkness and terror, He is the perfect Love which casts out fear. (1 John 4:18) It is humbling, these reminders of my sin and shame. But I believe God uses them to bring me closer to Him - for where else would I go? I have tried the darkness, and I never ever want to go back there again. May He always keep me near Him!